So it's the Christmas season. Yes, I said Christmas. In this uber politically correct world we live in, I am not afraid to state what I actually celebrate. So there! As I was saying, it's the Christmas season--the season of joy, giving, and going broke. Christmas is definitely my thing. I can listen to the music day and day out, I watch all the tv specials that revert me back to a five year old, and I even enjoy the insanity inside the stores. It's the whole mad-cap package that tickles me. This year however, I find myself feeling very down.
Do you know that feeling when you have to force yourself to smile, and it's almost borderline painful when you actually do? That's kind of how I've been feeling lately. I think it stems from being fairly unorganized this year and with funds being tighter than usual. Gone are the days of Christmas bonuses. This crappy economy forced all of my coworkers and I to take a pay-cut this past year--a BIG pay cut--so it's been kind of a scary year. I know Christmas is not supposed to be about presents. Heck, I went to Catholic school for thirteen years. I know exactly what Christmas is all about. But it still doesn't make me feel any better when I receive these lovely things from friends and family and have barely anything to return the favor, especially to the people I care about the most. It makes me feel like poop actually. Money is so tight that several times a day I find myself burying my face in my palms with a huge sigh, sometimes even having to escape to the ladies room to shed a few solitary tears. It hasn't been a day at the beach.
Of course I am also reminded that this is another Christmas where I don't have a baby yet. I just turned thirty two a couple months ago. When my mother my age she had four children. FOUR. I've been getting asked a lot lately when my husband and I are going to have a baby--a question that I now understand why people should think before they ask it--and I fear I might go postal on the next person who inquires about the goings-on of my uterus. Nobody wants to actually have to tell someone that yes, we want children. We want them very badly. In fact, we've been trying for two years and it hasn't happend yet, a fact which causes my heart to break every single time yet another person I know announces that they are pregnant. That would be awfully awkward to explain, wouldn't it? Yeah, I think so.
So all in all, so far it's been a very blue Christmas season, and here I am having my own holiday pity-party. (Did anybody bring punch??) I'm trying my best to push past these icky feelings and just be thankful for the things I do have--family, a roof over my head, etc.--but some days are harder than others. I'm usually quite good at looking at the positive side of things, but I'm struggling this year with that. I need a Christmas miracle...or something. Seriously, did anybody bring punch? Spiked punch preferably? Anybody?