Better Late Than Never

Yeah, so I'm a little late for a New Years speech. I decided that my last post of 2010 was so brutally depressing (for both myself and probably the two people who read it) that I wanted to stay away for a while. There was no need to further bum anybody out during the holidays. I do, however, want to clarify one thing about my last post. I went back and reread what I wrote, and I feel as if I came off very harsh about my feelings on people around me being pregnant. I am never, ever in no way unhappy or angry for anybody who announces they are with child. Let's just get that straight. I have sisters, cousins, friends, aquaintences, etc. who have all been pregnant/had children in the last several years, and I have been genuinely happy for every single one of them. Does it sometimes remind me that I am UNpregnant? Of course. Does that sometimes lead me to indulge in such grand pity parties that chilled champagne might as well be served? Absolutely. Do I sometimes feel pressure from family members to hurry up and birth some babies which then leads to more inner-anxiety? Damn straight. Am I human? Yes, the last time I checked (despite the name of this blog). So you now know this about me. I'm a human being who is both capable of feeling happy for others while at the same time occasionally falling into the slippery slope of wallowing in self-loathing. SUE ME.

However, I always pick up my chin and grin and say....Woops! Got off track! Anyways...

Winter is already at an end here in Florida, which I'm kind of sad about. I was really enjoying all the windows in the house being open constantly. Already I'm beginning to feel that heaviness in the air that starts to linger when the heat returns--my hair is very afraid. I haven't made the move yet to actually turn the A/C on yet, but I know it's coming. Sadly, with winter, our poor grass hasn't made it. My husband and father-in-law bravely installed a sprinkler system themselves in the early summer--a fete that one would think would keep our lawn looking crispy green! But when a project that supposedly will only only take a weekend to complete snowballs into a three week long fiasco, the lawn undoubtedly suffers for it. Needless to say, by the time the system was a go, our green, velvety grass took on the appearance of a burned cornfield--brown, dry, and crunchy. (sigh) Next project? Start from scratch, re-sod the yard, and make good use of the fancy-schmancy sprinkler system. Hopefully by early summer we'll be rocking more green velvet than Scarlet O'Hara.

On a pretty ecstatic note, I am delighted to report that my weight loss is moving along swimmingly. As of my last weigh in, I've lost a total of 42.8 lbs since the first week of September. Weight Watchers introduced their new program in late November, and I have to say, I really love it. I've been making so many changes in the way I eat, look at food, think about food, everything. I've also started to really pay attention to trigger foods, which are the foods that might as well have a DANGER sign attached to them. For me, these are things like chips and chocolate. Once I have one, it's very hard to stop, so it's better to try and avoid them as much as possible. I've also been cooking a lot of great meals. Why on earth did I think that eating healthier meant no yummy foods?? I have been so wrong about that way of thinking that's it's actually pretty scary. I'll have to post some colorful dishes very soon...

Some of the best parts of losing weight? I forgot how darn GOOD it feels. I forgot how good it feels to get into that pair of Old Navy jeans that I've had forever--my favorite pair from when Old Navy actually still made decent jeans with the correct inseams--that I hadn't been able to squeeze into in several years. I forgot how good it feels to look in the mirror and actually start to see your face again; to see YOU. Just this past week I actually looked at myself and said the words, "Oh there you are." I forgot how good it feels to open the box of "skinny clothes" that's been buried in the back of my guestroom closet and see all the beautiful items that I can't fit into yet, but almost can, and will. I forgot how good it feels to walk and jog (or some semi-pathetic version of jogging) and not feel like I'm standing at death's door afterwards. Best of all, it just feels great knowing that I'm eating healthier, behaving healthier, and getting healthier. It's simply mah-vell-uss!!

Some of the downfalls to losing weight? Are there any? Sort of. With weight loss comes its share of battles and trepidation. Most of the time I feel like I am on high-alert. I have to be aware at all times of what I'm eating and how much. During the week when I'm at work it isn't so bad. It's more routine than anything. The weekends are trickier because I don't always know where I'm going to be, and what food will be served. It's about CONTROL. If the control isn't in my hands, I tend to feel overwhelmed and as if I'm screwing my whole week's effort up. It can be a little exhausting sometimes.

There's also the fear that I'm being annoying. Annoying? Why would your losing weight be annoying? Well, in a perfect world it wouldn't be, but I know that having someone around who is constantly asking things like What did you cook that with? What kind of oil is that? Are those canned vegetables or fresh? Can we possibly eat at this restaurant instead of that one because that one isn't very point-friendly? can wear down on people. It's MY thing, MY issue, and I know it has to drive people a little crazy sometimes. It's hard trying to completely alter your lifestyle when no one else around you is. It's very HARD. Ultimately, I try and keep my Weight Watchers talk to a limit when around certain people. I'm proud of my accomplishments so far, but this journey is really for myself and myself only. I figure, why turn myself into a pariah while on the journey? Does anyone have any thoughts on that?

So far, 2011 is shaping up to be a more positive year than 2010 was by far. Hopefully I will be a little more diligent about posting. In the meantime, take care everyone!