The Trepid Art of Saying Thank You

I reached a major milestone last week. I attended my Weight Watchers meeting like I do every Thursday at 6:00pm. I'm always happy to go. My meeting leader, Carol, is a real hoot and always keeps us laughing and staying positive without ever going off the rah-rah-cheerleader deep end. Despite my being a person who tends to keep to myself in most places, I'm pretty talkative with the people who sit around me. Then again, we're all in the same boat there and we all tend to sit in the same places every week like kids in a classroom, so it's hard not to. At the end of each meeting, Carol reads off the names of the people who had great weight loss numbers that week. If you reach a milestone, like your 5% or 10%, or the 25 lb. or 50 lb. mark, it's a pretty big deal to everyone. A lot of times, when a member of the group gets to one of those points, it helps other members who might be struggling to keep going, so Carol always likes to recognize it.

So as usual, at the end of the meeting, she looked down her list of numbers for the week. I had a good number, so I knew she was going to mention me. When she got to me, she gave me a blank stare. I knew what she was thinking. She was thinking, 'How can you be just sitting there being so quiet today of all days? Why aren't you jumping up and down with glee?' I guess I should've been. I reached the 60 lb mark. 60.4 to be exact. In Weight Watcher World, when you reach that kind of weight loss they expect you to be doing cartwheels down the aisles. But I wasn't. I was clammed up as if my mouth had been wired shut. Of course, she announced that I reached 60 lbs and everyone applauded for me...and I turned bright red. She then asked me to give the group some words of wisdom, which I guess I did....and then I turned even more red and wanted to bury my face in my purse. The thing is, I WAS excited. I was ecstatic actually....but only on the inside. On the outside I was oozing with embarrassment.

When I started this journey, it was for me and only me, and it still is. Along the way I've shared some of my milestones--like getting back into my favorite pair of jeans or seeing pictures of myself from a year ago that literally made my eyes bug out of my head. I've chronicled my weight loss in blogs, in emails, and even on facebook for all to see. But as I am losing more and more weight, I am struggling to show my excitement to others. When people pay me compliments, it often turns my stomach inside out with uneasy. I know why. Insecurity. Raging, painfully awkward, want to hide under a rock insecurities. Vulnerability. Resentment. These are all members of The Ugly Side of Losing Weight Club.

Losing weight is supposed to be a joy; a huge achievement. It is! It's amazing, it's empowering, it's hopeful. Clothes look and feel better, I don't get as winded anymore, and heck, I can cross my legs again! But for those out there losing weight who also bare a bit of a dark side within, as I do, losing weight can also be a cruel lesson in the realities of life. It's the realization that people are taking second glances at you, who never would have even looked your way before. People are nicer to you. They smile at you more. Suddenly, you're visible in a world where for the longest time, you were completely invisible. It can feel scary and awkward and rather intense. Despite having a husband who loves me no matter what and wonderful friends and family, the world can be a very lonely place to dwell when no one sees you for the person you know you are.

For me, it can bring out a bitterness. Recently, while sitting at a red light in my car, a man beside me gave me the look. You know what look I mean. Maybe some women find it flattering. I suppose it is to some extent. For a fleeting moment, it's a direct confirmation, 'Woohoo! My hard work is paying off!' But a second later, all I can think is 'Hmph...you wouldn't have been giving me that look sixty pounds ago...'. I have to remind myself, this person is a total stranger who knows nothing about me, nor anything about my weight struggles. I have no right to feel resentment towards him. But sometimes the reminder that people, not just men, pay you more attention in general when you're thinner cannot be ignored.

I know I'm not alone in these feelings. Many times I've taken to the message boards on the Weight Watchers website for support and see that many others question and contemplate the same feelings. The responses that people give tend to always dance around the same idea--just say thank you. If someone pays you a compliment, just say thank you. If somebody smiles at you, just smile back and move on. Don't dissect the looks or the words. Just say thank you. They have a point...

Do I ever dissect peoples' words and compliments? Um...yeah...I believe I've done that once or twice. Do I have a tendency to worry that as I announce how many pounds I've dropped and still want to lose that people are secretly trying to figure out my starting weight? ...Occasionally. Do I need to just suck it up and stop worrying about what other people think and say thank you when they pay me a compliment?...

....Err............yes?........

So what's my problem? What's so difficult about saying thank you and moving on? I don't know. On one hand it feels great to be complimented, but on the other it feels mortifying. It brings every insecurity to the forefront. Are they just saying that because they feel like they have to? Should I stop announcing my weight loss numbers to the general public for fear that when I reach my goal weight they'll all collectively think, 'Daaaaang, she must've been HUGE!'?? If I do stop announcing it, does that make me weak? A coward? It's like a sticky spiderweb of emotions coated over every logical and rational thought in my brain. I process one logical idea and an absurd one follows right behind. I've become one of those cartoon characters that has the angel and the devil sitting on each of my shoulders telling me their side. It's exhausting! But hear me when I tell you, I WANT to be thankful. I want to smile back when people smile at me. I don't want to be bitter and resentful. I don't fish for compliments, but if I receive one, I want to think, 'Yay!' rather than 'Liar.'

Inside I am a very, very appreciative person. I don't take my loved ones for granted. Everyday I am grateful to have air in my lungs, a roof over my head, and two legs that work. I am tickled at the mere sight of a ladybug--those adorable little gals in their pretty red coats who only stop by once in a while. I shower my dog with affection just from knowing that dogs don't live as long as humans do and I want her to experience as much love as possible while she's on this earth. I find some flowers to be so beautiful that it's nearly painful. I love my husband so much that sometimes I could possibly squeeze him to death. I feel deeply. I feel it all--love, happiness, fear, despair--everything. I feel anger too, but I don't refuse to acknowledge it. I know it's there, sitting on a shelf sometimes refusing to budge. It's sitting there because I'm still trying to figure out when and where to move it. I want to clear space to make room for the good feelings in life, but there's a lot of sorting to do. A lot of boxes to clear out. At least, perhaps, there's hope for me that one day I'll be able to let go of the anger, that I'll be able to say thank you and mean it. I promise I will certainly try.

In the meantime, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for listening.