The Ghost of Summers Past

Shock. Horror. Disbelief. Disgust. More disbelief. Anger. Sadness. Reflection. Relief. Hope.



That was the order of emotions that I experienced when I came across this picture today. This was one of a set of pictures that were missing for a while, but David finally found them in a file. This was taken not all that long ago. It was late June of 2010 in the Florida Keys on a vacation we took with some of our friends. While it was a fun and beautiful vacation filled with fishing, snorkeling, great seafood, card games, and gorgeous sunsets, it was still a miserable experience for me at the same time. Putting it bluntly, I was a blimp...

I was a blimp who spent every moment I was there trying to make sure I was perfectly covered in my God awful mega plus-sized one-piece bathing suit. And that the plus-sized board shorts that I had to specially order online covered that up. And that the extra-large beach towel that stayed practically permanently wrapped around me like I was at a toga party covered all of that up. When we went snorkeling, I made sure I was the last person off the boat into the water for fear of making a fool out of myself kerplopping into the crystal blue ocean.

Oh, and do you see that wedding ring of mine? Do you see the way it appears to be strangling my finger? Well, it was. At this point, I'd been married for a little over two years and that ring hadn't been removed since the day I got my two rings soldered together. It wasn't some romantic notion of mine to not remove it out of devotion to my husband, it was merely the fact that the damn thing would-not-come-off! It was so squeezed onto my sausage of a finger that I had to wrap band aids around it to cover it when we went in the water to avoid reflecting light, which attracts barracudas.

In a nutshell, the little things were just awful. As fun as the trip was, it's never really fun for a fat person. A lot of things aren't. It's just the flat-out truth. When the picture above was taken, we were outside of a restaurant close to the rented beach house that we were all staying at in Marathon. I was reluctant to take it because I normally avoided cameras at all times, but everybody was jumping at the opportunity to get a shot in front of the lovely sunset, so everyone took a turn. When we got home and I saw these pictures, I remember like it was yesterday what I thought. I thought, 'Look at David. Look at how adorable he is. Look at how sweet he is. He doesn't deserve to have this miserable cow for a wife. He deserves someone else. He deserves someone cute and spunky and vivacious'--everything I was not. I was sad for him when I saw these photos. Not for me, but for him. I felt like a total let-down. The word shame doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. Of course, when I eventually told him my feelings on these photos, it really upset him. He told me, "Katie, you have always been beautiful to me no matter what you look like and I would not trade you for anything in the world..." By the way, have I mentioned that I have the most awesome, most kickass husband EVER??

But we all know that even the kindest of words don't always repair the damage within. At that point I was so lost and so sad that I didn't know what to believe or do. I was just getting by day to day feeling more awful than I'd ever felt in my life. And trust me, I've had some awful times.

But when I look at these pictures now, I feel a whole different set of feelings than I did at the end of this trip when I saw them for the first time. I mentioned feeling relief. I say relief because I now think, 'Thank God. Thank God I did something and am doing something about it. Thank God I am not that person anymore because that was not me. That is not who I am. And that is not who I want to be.'

The hope I feel is just a continuation of the relief. It's the hope that I can follow through with this journey and reach the finish line I so desperately yearn to cross. That I will learn more than just how to shed some pounds but how to live a long and healthy life where I can feel good about myself and feel the joy that deep down I know I deserve.

It's funny how just a couple of pictures can put so much into perspective.




See what I mean?